also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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