Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
