I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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