i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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