Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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