dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
