My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
