So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
