When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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