I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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