How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize