thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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