I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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