??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
