apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
