hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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