wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
