I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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