I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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