I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
