Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Randomize
