What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
