I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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