took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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