How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
