All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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