so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
