You're my little dorito
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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