drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
