I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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