we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
