So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize