I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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