Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
