I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
