your parents love me but you hate me
I think my fart just growled at me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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