I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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