Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
