people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
