if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
