:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i drank out of a bidet.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
