She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Every concussion has its silver lining
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
my god I love twenty year old dicks
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
