Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
