I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
