Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Randomize
