they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize