My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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