you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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