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It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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