I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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