did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
