quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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