just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
