you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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